Spykergyrl, your friendly Content Editor – she of the smooth arms and pointed wit – has just returned from an extended holiday to that green and pleasant land, that royal throne of kings, that sceptred isle, that Eden, that precious stone set in the silver sea, that blessed plot, that earth, that realm, that England. I just made all of that up myself.

Since this is a blog about England and America, and since most of you already know quite a lot about America, I thought I might share some of my impressions of England. My trip can be divided into five parts:

1)  THINGS ARE OLD THERE. I visited the oldest church in England, which was built sometime around 900 AD, and I had tea in a building that was 300 years old, although the scones were fresh. The homes where I stayed were, respectively, 280 and 200 years old. However, the fixtures on the plumbing were so modern that I could not figure out how to turn them on, so I was never able to have a bath or wash my hands.

2)  THERE ARE NO TOILET SEAT PROTECTORS IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS. English public restrooms are often less tidy than their American counterparts. I carried a small HazMat team in my purse, and would dispatch them to sanitize the toilets before I entered.

3)  STONEHENGE IS MADE OF BIG ROCKS. I was driving along near Salisbury when I glanced out the window and noted that someone had built a life-size model of Stonehenge in a field. There was also a long line of people, and you had to buy tickets. It was pretty expensive, and I never did get to see the real thing, but I bought a really cool pair of socks in the gift shop.

4)  THE ROADS ARE VERY NARROW AND  YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE. I actually DID die in Yorkshire when we passed a combine harvester on a one-lane road. I was resuscitated by some sheep and a local farmer who said, “Aye, we ‘ad every last person in our village die here on this road last week, including meself. But you tell that to the kids today, they don’t believe you.”

5)  I LIKE BEER (this point is also applicable in 194 other countries). The local pub was always somehow right next door, and I sampled ale, stout, bitter, and lager, as well as cider and scrumpy, which aren’t beer at all but actually fermented apple cider. All good. Very, very good. Man, I really LOVE you guys! No, really, you’re my best friends in the WHOLE WORLD! Hey, let’s sing! That’s funny, everything’s all spinny. Must . . . drink . . . more . . . whu)&*)*&^%*%^&*$%&*CRASH.

Sadly, I didn’t get to see Derek Thompson, the other, smarter, British half of our blog. Although I think he’d look really good in those model-of-Stonehenge socks.

Now, a question for YOU, our readers: Can you please help me up off the floor? It’s kind of sticky down here.