Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but truly advanced fury needs a mentor – help from an expert in the field, so to speak.  Fortunately, Sable Jordan has the perfect answer to your desire for further instruction in this short story, inspired by our Ain’t That Quaint? contest.  Just listen to these audio tapes, follow the guide’s simple steps, and you’ll be scorning with the best of them in no time.  Here’s a sample:

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Tape Six

Welcome to audio tape six of The Scorned Woman’s Guide to Murder. I’m your host, and shall remain nameless for obvious reasons.  On tape five we discussed methods for the job, and I shared with you my favorite; a lethal dose of mescaline mixed with vodka.  Watching someone “trip” is downright hilarious when you’re sober.  In this lesson we’ll tackle the question “What to do with the body?”  Before starting check to be sure you have the following materials available:  wheelbarrow, sunglasses, cinder blocks, rope, broom, knee-high rubber boots, and spare clothing.  Let’s get started.

So, you’ve done the deed; whacked that lying son of a gun who moved into your house, ate your food, ruined your credit, and screwed your friend.  If you’ve skipped ahead in the course and not killed your intended victim, please stop now and complete tape five, then return to this tape so you’re caught up.  Assuming the bastard’s dead, now what?  If things got messy–and they always get messy–you’ve got some major cleanup ahead of you.  But first you’ve got to dump the lifeless husk of the idiot who promised to take care of and love only you.  Here’s where the wheelbarrow comes in handy.

Grasping by the waistband, heft the carcass into the wheelbarrow.  It may take a few tries, but keep at it.  Be sure to bend and lift with the knees so you don’t strain your back.  Next, wheel the cart out to the car and dump the body into the trunk. Drive one of those eco-friendly numbers and don’t have a large trunk? Don’t panic.  Just put the body in the passenger seat and apply the sunglasses.  If it’s not sunny out, forego the sunglasses as they may bring unwanted attention, and simply prop your passenger against the door, giving the illusion the person is fast asleep or hungover.  Great, you’re halfway through!

Now, I could regale you with stories of my past attempts to be rid of a body; wood chippers, burying in wet cement, abandonment in the woods.  The list is long, so I’ll teach you the best way first.

Drive to a deserted area with a large body of water–preferably a secluded lake or pond.  If it’s headed away from any major cities, a fast-moving river tumbling to a majestic waterfall will do.  You might as well see some beauty for your trouble.  As you take in the sights of nature swelling around you, use the time to discreetly scan the area for witnesses.  With none around, pull on the boots and proceed with dragging the body over to the water’s edge.  Now, you may be itching to toss the mongrel overboard but remember, whether dead or alive, drowning people always rise several times before finally sinking.  And you don’t have time to wait around while that insensitive moron dances a jig before getting the lout out of your hair, do you?  ‘Course not.  So to avoid that pesky bobbing, merely fasten the cinder blocks to the body with rope–a sheet knot about the neck and another about the ankles should do the trick.  Remember to bind the hands to prevent them from waving goodbye to you as the corpse descends into the murky deep.  I’ve skipped this step before, and trust me, it’s…unseemly.  Let’s move on.

Sit facing the body with your knees slightly bent and feet on the midsection.  Brace your hands behind you for leverage and push.  Again, this may take a few tries, but persistence wins the day!  If the body doesn’t cooperate, enter the water and drag it along to be sure it floats out a good distance.  Be careful you’re not drowned in the process, as that’s sure to spoil your plans.

Once the body sinks, return to your car and change clothes.  Check to see you didn’t drop anything, and use the broom to sweep away footprints that may have accumulated.  Then drive back to town and wash down your vehicle.

Congratulations!  You’ve offed the bozo and ridded yourself of the remains.  Please continue to tape seven where we’ll discuss how to get away with it.  Thinking ahead, consider post-dumping visibility:  should you go to a bar and drink, or hide out at home?  I say:  Be seen, but not by too many.  You want to be memorable enough for the alibi, but not so lasting that, should something go wrong with the lessons on tapes five or six, some drunk twit can pick you out of a lineup.

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I’ll be your alibi.